Sigh...

gotta love it.

non-permanence

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Hay 2010

Written: December 2009

I can usually control things. It is not in my nature to pay attention to all the little details but this statement is true. I can usually control things.

I can see things happening in my head and know for a fact that it will dismantle itself to happen because the possibility otherwise is somewhat impossible. I was brought up to believe that God never gives you something that you cannot handle.

This maybe why Mandela is right - our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. The more powerful we are - the more challenges we can survive.

It's a fine line between weakness- of not believing you can handle a certain situation when it comes and strength- of wanting something, that you do not entertain the thought of something happening that's not within your control.

It's a delicate line to cross and somehow, I have most often than not - made it. Wanting things to happen my way - to making it happen my way has become a quarterly challenge - a swift siesta in the land of limbo - but eventually, I know the universe will give me a break.

Because things - just has to, has to, has to, HAS TO - work out.

I sometimes categorize people when I meet them according to their luck in life. There are people that things just happen to - naturally, luckily. Things have always been so easy for them and the little challenges that they face in their lives somehow doesn't manifest in their seemingly happy, easy life. They win the lottery, they live in a great house, they have a good family and they live happily ever after.

The biggest tragedy they could ever face is probably the donation of their childhood toys- luck they have, would not even let their white sneakers step on a piece of gum.

There are also those people who doesn't seem to have luck in their lives at all. That every little good thing that happens to them seem to generate into an exchange for a big disaster. In this case, if they had a good day - they would have three seemingly bad days to tip the balance to a regular.

I sometimes believe that I am a cross between these.

My seemingly bittersweet life has experienced both downfall and bliss and there are those rare times I am caught in between. Change in my life has always been crazy and unconventional. And the jumping off point is not always within a place of comfort.

But it always draws curiosity of certain possibilities.

If what they say is true, that your life is brought about your choices and wanting to tread on the mill of making it happen - then perhaps you can.

Perhaps you can transition into those lucky ones and make all the negative circumstances go away. Perhaps, when people tell you that you will only come out stronger when shit happens is when they have come upon to realize that they have found a way to have shit not come into their lives anymore.

That they have discovered a way to block off unwanted circumstances.

Perhaps.

So this is when I play with destiny. This is when I hope and pray and summon the universe to make things happen my way.Give me a break cosmic muffin.

AND BRING IT.

Let the happy news rain 2010.

mades [ 8:43 PM ] 0 happy lost cabbages

Haven't blogged for an entire year.

WOW.

Well, here's an update on 2009 - in bullet points.

Welcomed 2009 in drunk stupor in the middle of Hollywood with my friend Jess. The end of the night/morning consists me sitting her down in front of the Jimmy Kimmel steps and hailing a cab. Thank God LA cab drivers are willing to drive to Encino ;-)
My love flew from Texas to LA to celebrate my birthday/ our anniversary and Valentines Day. My friend from College Yana is also visiting so that means another LA tour which includes another run through Universal Studios. Had dinner at Bungalow and went dancing the next night at Conga Room :)
April 2009 - my first Vegas trip. Stayed at the Tropicana to accompany Susan at Dorothy's birthday! Ended up partying at the Playboy club to celebrate Hugh Hefner's 83rd birthday as well. Woot~
March/June/July/August - Tina and Shi broke up...Tina and Shi made up... twas crazy times.
AJ and Den visited us again!
Memorial Day weekend..... drove to San Diego for some Jess time. I love the beach! And I love me some Jess time :)
October 2009 - was supposed to go to a friend's bachelorette party but the bachelorette got drunk and showed up two hours late for dinner. Was kind of bummed because had to cancel a Vegas trip for this. But then, found an $80 ticket anyway and flew there for the Justin Timberlake and friends concert. Ran into Ciara. She winked at me. ;-)
Hello Halloween!!!! Dressed up as Foxxy Cleopatra. The wig kinda itches.
November 2009- Philippines Trip with Pat, Liz, Rudi, Tina and Shi! It was all kinds of bittersweet wonderfulness. Got left back - need to get a stamp on my passport. Celebrated Christmas and New Year in Manila with my family and friends :)

Hello 2010! What a crazy crazy start! Leaving Hollywood...moving to Texas. Moving in with my love. We'll see what happens now shall we!

Texas is Texas but I'm kind of excited.

mades [ 7:38 PM ] 0 happy lost cabbages

Monday, April 14, 2008

Happy afternoon 2008!

I'm currently sitting in a cubicle near Old Town Pasadena burning the clock as it ticks and releases me.

My brain is currently drowned in ignoring corporate slavery through old school rhythm and blues. Toni tone tone!!!!!

What has happened since then?

- I've moved! I'm still in the valley but we've majestically upgraded to a 3 bedroom rustic flat in Encino. I live a block away Trader Joe's but it has been a month and a half and I have barely graced its entrace.

-Pat moved! He is in the landy land of TEXAS. Every little cliche about it being a large piece of land enveloped in more land? It's TRUE!!! Ha, but he lives by the outlet which doesn't necessarily make it better but oh well.

- We have new roommates!!! One is an ex dj trying to find himself within the city of lala and the other is a graphic designer with a periennial look of lost on his face. They are both my friends so to be the safe floozy that I am... I shall honestly proclaim that I love and hate them annoyingly and lovingly in the same sweet degree.

- Liz still can't decide what to get in McDonalds within 3 seconds of cooking a happy meal.

- My company is moving forward... and I'm killing myself in trying to keep it together but when there's a will there's a cliche quote that will make you believe that there's a way.

Long live long distance

mades [ 5:23 PM ] 0 happy lost cabbages

Saturday, September 29, 2007

At times when I feel I have that urge to complain of my life's uncertainty - I look at things around me and go through this blog. Who knew, within four years that I have lived here- I have somehow managed to hop and live in four states, nest in five addresses and have 4 identity cards from 3 different states.

I feel like the classy educated version of a convicted felon. The kind who gets conned into hacking the government's treasury chest but don't get her share of the mil.

This is that part of my life when I browse through my shoulda woulda couldas while bracing myself to the unknown inevitable.

a.) IF I would have taken that marketing boutique midtown job instead of the big agency downtown job in Manhattan - I would have been earning around $60-$80k now at 25 years old - with my H1B just about to expire and just waiting for my EAC to finish being processed.

Plus I would have learned a great deal about Online Guerilla Marketing. (My mind is squinting for the image of the two executives who interviewed me and offered me $40k for my first job...... if one of these guys happen to be Mark Levinson - the demi god of the best sellers I'm mentoring my career towards at the moment I think I'm going to need more than finding the love of my life and great friends as compensation for this pseudo mistake)

Which drives me to my next point.

IF this had happened, one or more things will definitely be different in my life right now.

a.) The career I so long for NOW, would already have been MINE.

b.) I would still be gallavanting the streets of Manhattan in everyday what ifs with occassional trips to DC to visit my cousin Beisa

c.) And plotting the throws of my next victim through my next night out.

Do you see this? I would literally be living the life of the archetypal Sex and the City character - successfully single with the perfect apartment and the perfect career with no qualms of monetary hardship. I will PROUDLY shoot a video image of myself cutting myself loose from my parents with my dad's American Express in several snippets of bye bye.

This would also be a non-event as it would one of those days I realize that I really don't use it anymore.

My "But thens" wouldn't start and end with meeting the love fungus of my life - I am ever so thankful of Pat and his wonderful everyday little love nothings. I do not think that I have ever been pushed to the limits of loving somebody this fucking much but this "but thens" are dedicated to my friends who are here EVERYDAY - those who brings me back to reality when I'm floating in my cloud.

Had things happened differently I WOULD NOT HAVE MET:

TINA FLOR: who is the primordial cause of my undoing as an ordinary human being. She is such a wonderful firecracker that her inability to consume any type of alcohol is a non issue as her mere presence will serve your vices futile as she will push you out of your comfort zone to try and say things in the servitude of her excitement and hilarity. She is the most wonderful bully I have ever met in my entire life.

LIZBETH BATIN: my un-quiet roommate - who is such a lovely blessing that we somehow unknowingly saved each other's lives here. I feel we came to each other's lives at the perfect time - we each needed roommates as we were about to restart our lives- with seemingly fresh new jobs and relationships. She has probably seen me in my worst, best and mushiest. Living with her is like going home with a fresh feast on the table when you're absolutely dying of hunger.

The icing on the cake is maybe that we both wear the same shoe and dress size. So in our fabulous quest to attack life like it has never been attacked before - we also carry twice the wardrobe.

TAKE THAT.

FRITZ QUERO: the quing (KING/QUEEN) of dramatics himself whom I love to incessantly harass. He has come to the conclusion that I seem to respond happily towards his outward disgust towards some of the things that I do to him when I'm bored.

Me: Fritz, touch my boobs.

Fritz: Yuck, no shut up.

Me: (Giggles) You want me. (moan moan)

Fritz is my infectious French speaking fancy. He is probably my equivalent of the streets of New York - he cheers me up on a bad day - even when he's in a bad mood. He is a walking contradiction of anxiety and merriment. He is probably my favorite person to dream catch with. We have our lives planned out in every respect and are struggling fabulously to make it all come true.

RUDI: My lovely lovely lovely Aquarian friend whom I'm in constant battle with. I cannot express enough how much I love and hate this guy. I am probably 80% guilty of making his life hell at times when I don't get what I want - but he somehow makes everything better. He is so LOVELY that he is the only guy I have no problem pimping my friends to. He has a quiet charisma as to which, his little blunt attitude can make you want to either give him a big hug or a hard punch in the gut.

He is my handsome plant I keep for everyone to see and appreciate. He is twice as tall as me but I will beat the sh^*t out of anyone who hurts this little (tall) man child.

SHIHAN: If I had a perception of what the perfect Filipino boyfriend would look like it would probably be a picture of Shi clad in his real estate "uniform" pouting problematically at a piece of document his eyes scanning it in confusion. I absolutely love the very few moments that I get to talk to him alone - and not just because he is so gwapo but because he always has this out of the world eyebrow raising opinions - he has this way of not arguing with you when he thinks you're wrong but quietly pointing out some things that will make you AGREE with him which will eventually lead you to dispute your own point.

ANDREW : Smile nga, Andrew. Ang pogi pogi naman. This guy brings out my maternal instinct. My little gwapo pseudo celebrity friend. I have only known this guy for a few months and I've already had at least a dozen "heart to heart" talks with him - which just goes to show how it's so easy to get to know and love this guy. I sit in quiet frustration as I see how much potential this 22 year old carries under his belt - he has the ultimate capability to make it BIG without qualms of physical hardship - I don't think he realizes that he can earn around 6 figures before the age of 24. The world is your oyster little boy - take advantage!

So what is this for???

Well, they are my ultimate "but thens". They are the sole reason that's keeping me sane enough to believe that I did not make the "mistakes" I thought I made. They are the reason why I'm still here in LA despite the traffic and the hollywoody hollywood attitude of the people around.

We are freakin' fellow life warriors - it has been good and bad and insanely wonderful.

mades [ 11:46 PM ] 0 happy lost cabbages

Thursday, June 28, 2007

I wrote this last April - (after I joined the momentary lapse of judgment club) - decided not to post it and save it for later.

So later is now.

Ladies and Gents - the Anger of 2006.

There are few things in this world that fuck me up like crazy. Sorry for the vulgar choice of words, but that's exactly how fresh my mind is right now. Lostly fresh and seething in a weird non-decadent way.

If you're going to pretend that nothing happened .... that's fine. Absolutely. In a way, it's kind of relieving. There'll be few things to worry about and it's nice that I can talk normally without worrying about whether the situation's awkward or not. No one's ready for whatever's the next step anyway. And I rather NOT deal with it. Not when I'm busy with my job, finding another one and fixing my papers. Not when everything in my life is up in the air and there is hope that I might lose my lovely situational professional settlement bliss. Not when my family is here and I'm busy booking tickets, playing hostess and bridging the cultural gap and paying my own bills.

I just can't deal with the fuckin' drama or whatever's created or you're trying to create. So please. Let's just forget what happened. Call it a weird momentary lapse of judgment and move on with our lives and remain new friends. Coz dude, you were better that way. I'm not saying you're expecting something to happen... let's just throw the 'who rejected who' - 'who's fucked up' saga down the drain because nothing was really talked about anyway. Let the immaturity that stemmed from our actions evaporate and escalate into a mature ending.

I don't care if you get down with people in front of me. (Dude, whatever, it's just dancing, but even if it's not. I don't really care) I don't care if you act real stupid and be drunk off your ass and keep buying round o shots. (I'll still drink them)

But hell.

No profanities.

Don't care if you're drunk. Do not fuckin' say 'I get around'.... no one cares if you're a man hoar.

Again, I'm not saying that you are.

No nasty ego trips. Are you upset with something? Coz I don't have time to decipher your weird ways.

So something happened- fuck it. Stop it. Let it be forgotten.

mades [ 5:36 PM ] 0 happy lost cabbages

Friday, May 18, 2007

my life is suddenly in lack of problems and drama. just initial stress of tiring my body out --- utilizing it as much as i can use it.

so i can't complain about

too much homework/school - coz there's barely work and i'm ridiculously learning so much.

too much work - coz i'm saving the world and loving it.

my visa situation - coz everything is basically within my reach.

finding the right guy - coz he's stressed out over the top wonderful in every cheesy way imaginable.

my life is suddenly so boring.

I LOVE IT.

mades [ 5:53 PM ] 0 happy lost cabbages

Monday, May 07, 2007

It's 93 degrees F outside. I'm about to chill by the pool at a friend's friend's place.

Laid down the beach both Saturday and Sunday in hot, non-humid weather. Went to the Viper Room and saw David Spade in the flesh.

I maybe taller than him in heels.

I didn't take a picture of him.... I maybe the only jologs girl in my UCLA-er friends. But I did meet a guy named Tracy. He may not be David Spade but he sounds a lot like Will Ferrell.

And on top of that ---this.....

m- Good morning gorgeous sexy! I hope you're back to your natural hotness. Either way, you know I love you right?

p- I made it to work. ;-) Don't know for how long.. my body's still :-( i love you baby :-X

m- Awww. Do a half day if your body is still weak. Tell Tom you gotta take time off to bring sexy back ;-)

p- :-D that is why i love you

WOW.

such cheeseballs.

mades [ 1:44 PM ] 0 happy lost cabbages

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Oh god.

I dreamt I was pregnant.

SO not ready for this.

No more grande caramel soy lattes after 6 pm.

mades [ 10:32 AM ] 1 happy lost cabbages

AY NAKO!

It's been such a long time since I've written something of actual substance. You know you sometimes get scared that life has become too simple and you've somehow forgotten to delve within deep thoughts that will essentially make you......

what?

smarter? deeper? I sometimes forget what I want out of these ramblings. Right now, my head is throbbing. I've just consumed half a grande of caramel latte and the back of my head is somewhat numb. I don't know if my brain is still working but these words should suffice evidence that maybe..... the gray mass inside my head is still functioning.

Oh god, I really need a daily routine which ends within two weeks of monetary payment before boredom consumes me. Shower me with responsibilities I crave oh please.

At this point in time... it seems I've been EVERYWHERE but still want to go places. Since 2003 alone, I've lived through breaking the baseball bambino curse in beantown Boston, vampiring nightlife in the advertising arena of Manhattan and cheesing white fences in New Jersey. I am now currently beaching it out in Los Angeles.

But shet noh. I still WANT:

Greece, Amsterdam, Jamaica, Italy, England!!!!

Surround me with accents please!

I'm in this part of life where I want to speed everything up. Could someone please teach me patience please. Please please please. Or grant me some kind of miracle.

I want EVERYTHING.

NOW please.

I've decided that God might be that kind of God that lets happiness come in installments. It's like financing a car.

You're either finding to complete three things in your 20's. it's shallow, sad but sometimes seemingly true. Find the perfect apartment, the perfect job and the perfect someone/perfect singledom life. You somehow always get two out of three or one out of three.

Pota. I want it ALL now please.

I dunno why I'm in such a selfish mood.

The only thing I want to be worrying about is that I don't have time to do everything I want to do.

Then I can worry about saving the world.

mades [ 1:26 AM ] 1 happy lost cabbages