Sigh...
gotta love it.
non-permanence

my.school.in.beantown
my.multiply



Monday, January 17, 2005

Life has never been so clear and so hazy. This year has been a major trip. All the little problems I was worried about seem so trivial. You know the feeling in high school where you feel the world is ending just coz (insert situation) you failed a quiz/someone fell from the pyramid causing mass hysteria to the routine for nationals/your crush might have an inkling about your feelings and might a.) start ignoring you b.) start being all arrogant (bastard) c.) actually does something about it (what to do??) ....

And you enter college and all these stuff seem soooo artificial you'd just want to crack your head in a pile of a eggs for being such a drama queen. Compared to the "real world", everything above seem so helplessly mundane and unimportant.

Of course, entering the work place, you really start to feel the "real world" hitting you like the door that slapped your ass when you walked out of your first interview. Nope. Cutting off the allowance pool ain't pretty. And you start saving up, be all "independent" and just when you're in the brink of settlement. Life throws you another one.

You're being shipped to another country. Live life alone. Budget. Time. Place. Everything is suddenly in your control. Man, you just wanna jump off the boogie board and dive off the friggin sunset. Until you learn that certain limits can't be pushed. Compared to the high seas of drama you went through in the past, you wallow the shallowness of it all. Who had the friggin time to worry about thesis? Or whether the posters would be delivered in time for the event?

With this cycle going on, you don't know what to think. Do the past seem trivial because it's done or does life really just start to build meaning as experiences happen? Do new experiences exist to belittle our past? Do all our drama in our past account for nothing?

It was weird how everything seems the same back home. It was more weird to feel that you're no longer in the same mind set as these people. They don't know how lucky they are, going home in houses where there are people waiting hand and foot for their every need. With rooms big enough for full queen beds, couches and a computer set. Free laundry. People have it good and yet they're still complaining. And they marvel at how you're doing it all while they're "stuck" back there.

In a way, they are stuck. But not in the same way they may think about. People have this premonition that living in another country has this glamorous swing to it. Truly everyday is an adventure. But it's not a daily drinkfest with parties and cocktails on the side.

Not just.

It's about responsibility. Rent. Grocery. Budget. Laundry. You always have to look ahead and be ahead to ensure your future. What happens after this? What are my options? Life kind of builds up on you. There's no routine anymore and the ball has stopped being passed around.

It's all now up to YOU.

I'm not going to say that everything in my past seem to be a wonderless pursuit of drama. At some point, I think those little innuendos helped me out today. Decisions are a hefty thing that shouldn't be taken lightly. I'm not sure how I'm doing with it right now. I may just stop comparing past experiences and stop looking for the "real world" to have time to live in it.

Trip toe tip toe and just keep on livin'



mades [ 2:41 AM ]
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